One month ago

It was one month ago yesterday that my mom passed away. One month ago that I sat at her side and whispered to her to let go and leave our world to go on to the next...that I was ok and dad was ok and to watch out for us from the best seat in the house! Each and every day I play over and over my last few weeks with her and especially the last few days. While I wouldn't trade those days for anything, I do think about how really difficult it was to watch her deteriorate and pass away. I think about all the things I should have talked to her about if I'd known that she would go downhill so quickly and that I wouldn't be able to talk to her again. I'd want to tell her what an amazing mom she was and how much she sacrificed for all of us. I know this is all a part of the grieving process and that slowly these intense feelings will fade and I'll be able to focus more on the good times and not the last days and the "I wish I would haves," but for now that is what I am doing. In many ways I don't want time to go on because my memory of her is still so clear and I don't want to lose it. A church friend asked me how I was doing, and as I do with everyone that asks, I say I'm doing "ok." I am just "ok"...some days (hours) are great and some are filled with unexplained tears. Then he said...what I really want to know is, is this week better than last? And, yes, looking at it that way, I have to say it is. Marginally better, but better nonetheless. I am busy with kids, school, home, etc, but my thoughts are always with me...I think that forever they will be. I know God had a reason for taking her on January 10th, I don't know why because I'd rather her be here with me to watch her grandkids grow up, but I know He had a reason.